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Coarse – I can be a blunt and abrasive human. I was raised by a Vietnam vet and was told that the second word I learned to say was ‘fuck’. I know I can be charming when I need to be but I just can’t seem to care to keep it up. I can have a negative outlook on things, but even when I try to be positive I am kind of an asshole about it.

Compassionate – I’ve always been surprised that I give a shit about people considering how I was raised. I can vividly remember the moment I realized that treating people like my dad treated me wasn’t good. I was beating up on a smaller kid (I was in the 4th or 5th grade at the time) and at one point grabbed him by the legs and spun him in circles like a wrestling move, then I threw him and he broke his arm. It was that exact moment that I realized that hurting others would not make my pain go away and made the active decision to try not to hurt people any more. When I was homeless, several of my younger peers would seek me out for advice and started calling me ‘Dr. Bizket’. When I got off the street I still made it a point to collect food and clothes to give out to the homeless in whatever area I lived in. I always tried to make it a point to be there for my friends whether it was financially (when able), emotional, or with a couch to sleep on. It’s what drove me to my current job of helping run a building that houses formerly homeless people with mental health and chemical dependency issues. There have been many times where I wanted to quit this job and just curl up in a hole and cry myself to death but I keep coming back every day because I know what it feels like to be them and feel like no one is there for you. I think my compassion is possibly my biggest strength.

Bitter – I can be a pretty bitter person. I’ve felt abandoned for a good portion of my life and when I perceive folks I consider to be close being bad to me, I can quietly hold a grudge for ages. I was really suicidal back when I was living in West Seattle and only a few people ever came to check on me and I am still a little bitter towards those that stopped returning my phone calls and texts when I was actively begging for help. Intellectually I let things go pretty quick, but emotionally I can remain bitter for a long time and I know that impacts my relationships. I was so bitter with my mother that I ended up sending an email to her and her boyfriend telling them that I had given up trying to maintain a relationship with them and to never contact me again, this after a decade of calling, texting, emailing, and only getting a response back once a year at best. They contacted me 6 months later to let me know she was dying and wanted me to drop everything to come to see her. I told them no. I explained my reasons and how I felt abandoned by her for my entire life and that I was not going to drop everything so she could feel better before she died. I was polite about it and told them I wished it hadn’t gotten to that point, but I was firm and did not open any further emails from them. I’m not sure if I am going to regret that decision or not.

Bright – I’m not genius level intelligence, but I’m smart. Every IQ test I was given came back in the 120 range. I pick up on concepts quickly and have always been good at figuring out ways to explain difficult concepts to people in a manner that is understandable. I’m good at spacial relations and applying concepts across differing platforms. I don’t have a ton of book learning, but I know a lot and came by it all ‘honestly’.

Ample – I am an ample person. I don’t remember a time where I either wasn’t fat or was being told by someone influential that I was fat. I was taught at an early age by my grandmother that you deal with bad feelings by eating food. No one in the family was overweight when I was a kid but my dad was physically and emotionally abusive and would tell me that I was fat starting in grade school. This just started a cycle of eating to deal with my emotions at an early age that has stayed with me my whole life. I’ve had some limited success in my life dealing with it, but it’s still not under any level of control. I know I have the tools to handle this I just need to figure out how to take all the emotional baggage out of that equation and just deal with this. I have read plenty of reviews about Ring Fit for the Switch and I picked up a copy. I am hoping to get started with that this week. I am also hoping that with the weather getting nicer that I can get myself out on my bike a few times a week.

Adept – I’ve learned a lot of things in my life. I am sometimes confused by the breadth of knowledge I have managed to acquire. I wouldn’t consider myself an expert in any one thing, but I know I am adept in many fields. I taught myself to build computers in the early 90’s and did it professionally for a while. I helped create what has turned into a global and multi location convention that has been visited by 100’s of millions of people over the decade+ it has been running. I have learned to be compassionate to others and deal with screamingly intense emergency situations. While I will complain about changes I feel that I am quick to adapt and am good at teaching others what I have learned.

I kvetch about many things in my life but don’t ever seem to be able to tackle those issues, specifically when they deal directly with myself. I can tell people all day long what they could be doing to improve their physical or mental health, their outlook on things, etc. but can’t seem to take that advice for myself.

I was just dropping off our rent deposit for work, and while standing in line at the bank I had a few ideas. The first was “I want to start writing again, but don’t know where or how to start”. This has been a thought that has come up a few times over the past month. I also thought “Why can’t I seem to focus on dealing with a single thing to completion?”, immediately followed by “Stop beating yourself up, your a good person and do good things”. All of that within about 3 minutes of standing and I came up with an idea.

I am going to spend the next 26 days writing something every day. Every day will focus on an incremental letter of the alphabet starting with A. I’ll think of two words that start with the letter of the day, one word to describe something I struggle with and one word to describe how I am a good person. I’m not going to limit myself to a minimum or maximum word count, nor will I limit myself to a particular part of me or my life. I think this will initially help give me some level of self accomplishment for getting something done that I set out to do. This should also help get my creative juices going. I also hope that this will prompt some self reflection and let me figure out what I need to focus on to be a better person.

Today will be ‘A’, and I’ll start working on that in a bit. Hopefully I can not only improve myself but also help motivate others. Here’s hoping 🙂

I’ve been sick for a few days (nothing alarming, just had a slight fever and cough and decided to take a few days off than risk anything) and that has given me plenty of time to get re-frustrated with my living situation. I have way too many boxes of stuff in way too small of an apartment.

I used to be in the habit that every time I moved I would toss out anything that I hand’t used in a year. When I was moving an average of twice a year for work (I do *not* miss contracting) this kept things well in check. Now that I have been with one company for 5 years now, I have built up a collection of random stuff. I keep thinking that I should do a hard purge but then I see something that makes me think “well, as soon as I get everything sussed out I will need this” and that thinking apparently needs to stop.

I have a few projects that I continue to chug along at and I will allow myself to hold onto things for streaming, bicycling, music, and cooking. Everything else is getting the boot. If I haven’t used it in a year it goes. If I didn’t even know I had it, it’s gone. I’m going to start that tonight. Once box a night minimum until I am done. Either everything has a home outside of a box or it’s getting tossed. If I have any high end stuff I will probably try to sell or give away some stuff so as not to be completely wasteful, but fuck… I need to do something and this should be the ‘easiest’ place to start.

Wish me luck!

I was out sick for a few days (still feeling like crap, but at work today so the boss can stay home sick) and had a few hours in bed half asleep thinking. While I feel that the work I do is important, outside of work I feel like I have nothing. No social life, no love life, no actual hobbies, nothing. I need to add something to my life.

I think my biggest issue is motivation. I was raised to think that I am not a worthy human so I tend to not do things for me. Most of what I want to do tends to be in service to others as others are worth more than me. It get’s tiresome though.

Smoking weed daily is certainly a ‘purely for me’ thing and is how I keep from losing my collective shit over the stuff I deal with at work but it doesn’t do much for making me feel fulfilled as a person. I tend to feel maudlin a lot lately and think back wistfully on people I used to know and the time I spent with others just existing. It’s feeling like a not healthy place to be. It feels like how I expect dying to feel.

I need to figure out what it is going to take to re-invigorate me. Find something to give me purpose for me, instead of having a purpose for others. I don’t know how to do that though. Any suggestions or tips would be greatly appreciated.

I have always struggled with housekeeping. My father used it as a form of punishment when I was a child/teenager and to this day, at 48 years old, I still find it difficult to keep my apartment clean and sanitary.

I have managed a few times in the past two years to get the apartment acceptably clean, only to have it drop back off to unsavory within a few months. I always have the best intentions with trying to modify my habits though. For the first week I will make sure that all dishes make it into the sink and rinsed off, if not outright washed. I will make it a point to vacuum a few times a week. Change the litter box weekly instead of when it *must* be changed. I am able to keep all of that up for a week or two but then everything slides back to how it was before.

The nice thing is though that each time I hit the ‘breaking point’ and finally get everything taken care of, it stays good for a longer period and the breaking point comes sooner and sooner. I’m hoping that this is the year I can just get rid of the ‘breaking point’ all together and just get to the point where it’s all automatic and I just do shit that needs to be done when it actually needs to happen. Like many times in the past, I have hope that this will workout but little actual belief that it will. Just have to keep plugging away at it though.

If any of you have tips you would like to share, please feel free to leave them in the comments below. Hopefully 2020 will be a year of positive changes for me and all of us 🙂

With another night of sleep I am feeling a little better, and I know that will continue. It’s still frustrating though. Feeling like I have no real support group and only three people that I would consider friends right now makes it more difficult than it should be. I’m starting to look around for public board game nights and the like to start being social again. Some day I might even start dating again, now wouldn’t that be nice?

Apparently media have been bugging some of my tenants. Thankfully they haven’t camped out in front of my building like they have the building of the other Plymouth tenant that was a victim. I’m not sure how I would react to having vultures stare at me all day waiting for something ‘newsworthy’. I like to think it would involve calm and couth conversation, but really I would probably moon the camera and pee on their news van to establish dominance.

Been thinking of getting the stream back up and running and putting some energy into that again. I’ll definitely update here when that happens.

Ok, time to work. Have a peaceful day humans.

We had multiple shootings in downtown Seattle, three separate incidents over a 24 hour period. In one of those a long time tenant of mine was murdered. She was out with a friend and had nothing to do with the shooting, but she’s dead and her friend remains in serious condition in hospital.

I was not particularly close to this tenant and am not overly upset at her passing, much like I am not upset about Kobe Bryant’s passing. I didn’t know either of these people particularly well and don’t have an emotional connection to them. I am however very angry and don’t know how to direct that anger right now.

The level of gun violence has become insane since I was a kid in the ’70s. I am at the point that if my job did not require me to live on site, I would probably move. Living in Downtown Seattle has become miserable for me. After dealing with the murder on 3rd in front of my last building 3 years or so ago, I just don’t feel comfortable being downtown any more. Because of this I don’t leave my apartment unless I need to, and even then I will put off picking up meds by a day or two depending on how I am feeling.

I have no idea what to do about it any more. I have spent the weekend struggling with what old me would do. Old me would try to find the people that murdered her and beat them into a pulp then hand whats left to the police. Present day me is old, out of shape, and emotionally beat down so I crawled into a quarter ounce of weed this last weekend and allowed myself to process.

Sadly, I didn’t work much out. All I did was seem to cement that the world that exists outside my door is not the one I thought was there. The new world is more intrusive, seemingly more violent, more divisive, and certainly less of everything I used to love. I have found that I have almost no friends and I expect I did that myself. I catch myself feeling maudlin a lot of the time any more, wistful for what I used to think was a miserable existence but at times wish I could go back to so I could feel some level of innocence again.

Overall, I have felt mental health improvement over the past few years of being in this building, specifically over the past year, but I don’t feel anywhere as good mentally as I did 20 years ago. I need to figure out what to do to facilitate this. I have a sneaking suspicion that the coming year is going to be important on this front. Here’s hoping it’s positive.

I haven’t posted in a very long time. It’s been an interesting (read stressful) couple of years since I last posted. I’m happy to say that I am in good spirits for the first time in a very long time though.

I’ve been consuming marijuana daily for a few years now with the goal being to stitch my brain back together. I’m happy to say that it seems to have worked. My anxiety is way down, my motivation to do things is way up, and I have achieved some clarity.

I seem to have got my mental health issues in check now. Not gone, but controllable and livable. I’m frequently feeling the urge to be social again and am starting to figure out how to make friends again. I’m currently trying to find some regular social activities so I can build up a nice social group again. My apartment doesn’t look like a mellow episode of Hoarders any more and I am comfortable with the idea of allowing people in. At 48, I am actually starting to feel human again.

I’ll make an effort to keep this page updated but have some patience as I build positive habits. No promises, but I’m going to try 🙂