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All posts for the month March, 2013

I was born on a military base in Texas and he first two and a half months of my life were spent in a trailer. One of my uncles always had at least one car on blocks in his yard. One of my Grandmothers went to church (I shit you not) nine times a week. The white trash runs thick and deep in my blood.

I decided that I wanted some ice cream a bit ago but I have no money. I do have an ice cream machine though. After looking through the fridge and cupboards I came to the realization that my lack of money also currently equates to a lack of ingredients, so I have been forced to make “ice cream” from powdered milk, sugar, and grape Kool Aid. I have some frozen berries I think I will toss in as well at the end.

I have not felt this close to living in a trailer again in my life. Now if you will excuse me, I must collect my treat and get back to watching old episodes of Top Gear.

1 lb of black beans soaked over night

1 lb of ground lamb

6 stalks of celery

1 bottle of ale

1 box of organic chicken stock

2 tablespoons garlic powder

3 tablespoons cumin

1 tablespoon cayenne pepper

1 small can of tomato paste

1 tablespoon black pepper

2 bay leaves

 

Brown the lamb in the crock pot with some olive oil, then drain the oil off. Slice up the celery and toss in with the lamb. let this cook for a few minutes and then dump everything else in. Stir to mix it all up. Bring to a boil them clamp the lid on the pressure cooker and bring to 15 psi and let it cook for 30 minutes. Take off the heat and let it come down in pressure on it’s own, about another 20 minutes. Add additional seasonings to taste. Put in your filthy gob.

I’ve been helping Aaron with a project for the Merchants of Deva, building a Tardis for their party at this weekends Norwescon. It’s been fun re-learning how to use those tools, but tonight was special. Tonight there was painting. A lot of painting.

I spent about 6 hours in a workshop huffing “low fume” paint. Please be aware that if any of you go to this party this weekend, that the console was partially painted by me, high as a fucking kite. I will be at the con tomorrow afternoon / evening helping transport and set it up so feel free to grunt at me in the hall if you see me, but I don’t do cons any more so I won’t be back after that.

Now if you will all excuse me, I need to get water from that talking frog over there so that I don’t wake up with a headache.

So, it’s been about 7 years since I have been in a serious relationship, and 6 years since I have been intimate with a woman. This is not a secret, I’ve told people this before and it’s nothing that I am ashamed of or embarrassed about, it’s just a fact.

The reasons for this are varied, but most of them stem in one way or another to my father passing away. When dad died, my anxiety and panic attacks came back with a serious vengeance, as if they were trying to make up for lost time. It’s hard to focus on meeting a good woman when the idea of going outside and interacting with people gives you such mind numbing panic that you feel that you won’t survive the night.

I have found a few women that I have been interested in, that I started to put a little focus on. The first one was a co-worker though and probably way to young for me (she was in her early 20’s, technically young enough to be my daughter), and the other two, while age appropriate, let me know that that they were not interested in me “in that way” when I made my interest known to them. Thankfully both of them are as social with me as normal, which due to my past anxiety problems, really wasn’t much to begin with in reality.

Yesterday, I went to the pet store to get some bird seed (needed to pay the kitty cable bill) and I saw an attractive woman cooing at the ferrets. I wandered over (with Elvis in tow, dogs make great wingmen) and started chatting her up about ferrets. She was very responsive, asked questions, laughed at my jokes, kept moving closer to me, all positive signs. I was about to give her my phone number so she could call with any questions when her boyfriend wandered over and started asking questions as well. I think I actually heard the sad_trombone.wav play over the stores PA system.

So, I’m not really afraid of talking to ladies. I can be perfectly sociable in public. I know for a fact that some women like men my size, as my last two partners made clear. I think my problem is that I just don’t know where to go to meet eligible ladies. I’m not looking for sex (I know if I was just looking for sex, I could have gotten laid in the past 6 years) but someone to eventually click with and spend my life with. I tried using online services and they are all shit. So at this point is where I “crowd source” . If any of you, my friends, know of a woman that you think “she and Bizket would get along great”, or heaven forbid are a lady yourself that is interested in getting to know me better, please speak up. I am really getting tired of these dreams that combine women I am interested in into one person that spend the entire dream telling me how great I am but that I’m just not their type. Seriously. I don’t have sex dreams any more, I have “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” dreams now.

Help a guy out.

 

I went to bed feeling perfectly fine. Watched the latest episode of The Walking Dead (wow… It really set me up for the season finale next week!), curled up with the cats who were very affectionate last night, and drifted off. I know I woke up a few times last night as I shifted around, but nothing out of the ordinary. When I woke up and got out of bed I found that I had somehow fucked up my lower back and my ankle. I would like to re-iterate that neither of these hurt when I went to bed, but required the use of Aleve *when I got out of fucking bed*.

I am so done.

I am feeling much better today after about 6 hours of sleep, but the smell of the food that Aaron cooked this morning is making me feel a little queasy. I doubt I will be consuming food from restaurants for a little while. Stomach is still a little sore but I don’t feel like I want to puke again. I suspect the day will be filled with water and Lifesavers to keep from a blood sugar crash.

It would appear that I have a case of food poisoning.  The dressing for a salad that came with my dinner tonight seemed a little off from how it normally tastes. It was a small side salad and I only ate about half of it so I am hoping that my system will handle it just fine, but my stomach seems…

Belay that. In mid sentence typing I needed to evacuate some of the contents of my stomach. I can tell that more will be coming. Now the question is do I try to go to sleep and risk not getting to the bathroom in time or do I sleep and hope that it is mild enough to just go away while I am unconscious.

Blah.

I don’t think I knew anyone that was openly gay or transgender when I was a kid growing up in the ’70s and ’80s. I did have the opportunity to learn to ignore how a person looks in grade school though. My dad had friends from Saudi Arabia when I was a kid and I still think of Mohammad and Faraj fondly. I had an adult acquaintance at the same time (a guy in his 20’s) that was half black that used to take time to introduce me to music and the wonders of using chocolate milk in your cereal. There was a large Vietnamese family in the complex that used to bring us food all the time, and even though we didn’t understand each other verbally, it was very obvious that they were good caring people. I think it was around this time that my friend Chris started to question his sexuality, but it was never anything that he brought up with me and that I never picked up on.

I suspect that it was those experiences, as well as constantly being bullied as a child up through high school that made me who I am now. I may be gruff, loud, and off putting when you first meet me (or even for years afterwards) but if you are being marginalized for anything other than your personality and attitude towards those around you then I tend to take umbrage at those that do the marginalizing. It was never a question for me about the whole LGBT “issue”. It’s not an issue, what it really is is non of my fucking business. I have plenty of good friends that are gay, bi and transgender. I learned at an early age that outward appearances mean fuck-all and that what you do with a consensual partner is none of my business and therefore has no bearing on how I treat you. This is not to say that I have not met assholes that *happened* to be transgender, and that I avoid them because they are assholes, but the idea that their value to me or those around them in their day to day life has *anything* to do with them not having a dick any more, or them deciding that they would rather be a guy, is fucking asinine.

The idea that the media bullied a person that was going through their transition to the point that the killed themselves disgusts me. I will be up front and say that my opinion of people that take their own lives is pretty low, but it is miles higher than my opinion of those that will use there position to make a person feel so worthless, so reviled, so… unimportant to those around them that they take their own lives. If I could meet the reporters face to face that harassed Lucy until she ended her own life, I would spit in each of their faces and tell them that they are the worst type of person that exists. Parasites on our global society and with no real worth other than that given to them by people that should know better. I hope that people get outraged about this and that people lose their jobs over this, but I know the reality. It will be examined for 6 months until it is firmly out of the news cycle, until only a handful of people are screaming into the darkness, and then things will go back to normal until it all happens again.

I never met you, but I already miss you Lucy Meadows.

Things have been mentally rough the past few weeks. My unemployment completely ran out and I had not heard anything on getting an extension. I didn’t get a job that I was perfect for, and wasn’t getting responses from anything else I had applied to (except for one saying that the posting was old and they had already filled it). I am completely out of money and dipping into my  “oh shit don’t get scurvy again” food rations.

Over the past several days though I have two job opportunities that could both easily turn into real jobs due to solid internal references, I have been getting out and helping the roomie on a major project he has, and I just checked my online UI benefits account and it shows that I was accepted for the extension and that I should have money in my account in a few days.

I have had several points in my life where I felt tested, and this last year has been the worst. While I feel that I am passing this test, I am really not happy with my grade. I can already tell that once I get out of this particular pit I feel that I will be better suited for the next one.

Things will work themselves out one way or the other. I just need to focus on the fact that I’m not dead yet and try to enjoy life again.

I’ve been an avid gamer since I was in grade school. My parents taught me how to play both poker and spades at an early age (in the single digits if I recall correctly) as well as all the boxes of board games that we always had. I got into D&D in grade school with my friends James and Chris Dayson, and that started an insane love affair with pen and paper role playing. Over the decades I have played in table top games of many genre’s, larp games of different styles, and even helped create settings and mechanics for games that only friends played as well as a few games that saw print (thanks for letting me help Scooter). I’ve even dabbled in board game development to the point that I had a working prototype for a game idea I had, and spent time with old friends and a regular deck of cards explaining the basic concepts of game design while we came up with a new card game on the spot over an after noon and a case of beer.

Part of me has always wanted to get into game design more, even if it is just as a hobby. I noticed a few days ago that a fairly popular RPG creator that is available via Steam was on sale for 50% off, which made it very easy to justify the purchase. I have now started working with RPG Maker VX Ace by using a very well done tutorial that someone in the community has created.

I look at using this software the same way that I look at major companies using the Unreal Engine. If someone else has created the tools to help you make the game that you want to make, you would be a fool to not make use of them. There are plenty of companies that use other peoples game engines to make very popular and successful games, and I feel that I am doing nothing different. I can’t code my way out of a wet paper sack, but with RPGMVXA all of that is taken care of for me. The art assets are provided as well, so while what is at my disposal will not look entirely unique, I will have the opportunity to tell an interactive story that has the potential to impress and entertain. The other upside to this is that it will help give me a better idea of how to approach things on a QA level if I ever find a job doing QA for a game company again.

The only downside that I am having with this right now is that there are additional resources that could make things easier for me as well as help me create a more polished product that are out of my immediate price range. There is a resource pack that is a ton of High Fantasy tiles, sprites, etc. that would be great to have access to but costs $50.  If any of you would like to toss me $5 to help defray the cost of this resource pack, I would greatly appreciate it and would be happy to provide you a copy of the game when it is completed in about (realistically) a year and a half. I’ll even list you in the credits 🙂

I’ll be posting dev / design stuff here as the project goes on, but I might set up a completely different section of the blog to deal with that. In the meantime, I need to get back to my tutorial and apply nose to grindstone.