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Monthly Archives: March 2020

Coarse – I can be a blunt and abrasive human. I was raised by a Vietnam vet and was told that the second word I learned to say was ‘fuck’. I know I can be charming when I need to be but I just can’t seem to care to keep it up. I can have a negative outlook on things, but even when I try to be positive I am kind of an asshole about it.

Compassionate – I’ve always been surprised that I give a shit about people considering how I was raised. I can vividly remember the moment I realized that treating people like my dad treated me wasn’t good. I was beating up on a smaller kid (I was in the 4th or 5th grade at the time) and at one point grabbed him by the legs and spun him in circles like a wrestling move, then I threw him and he broke his arm. It was that exact moment that I realized that hurting others would not make my pain go away and made the active decision to try not to hurt people any more. When I was homeless, several of my younger peers would seek me out for advice and started calling me ‘Dr. Bizket’. When I got off the street I still made it a point to collect food and clothes to give out to the homeless in whatever area I lived in. I always tried to make it a point to be there for my friends whether it was financially (when able), emotional, or with a couch to sleep on. It’s what drove me to my current job of helping run a building that houses formerly homeless people with mental health and chemical dependency issues. There have been many times where I wanted to quit this job and just curl up in a hole and cry myself to death but I keep coming back every day because I know what it feels like to be them and feel like no one is there for you. I think my compassion is possibly my biggest strength.

Bitter – I can be a pretty bitter person. I’ve felt abandoned for a good portion of my life and when I perceive folks I consider to be close being bad to me, I can quietly hold a grudge for ages. I was really suicidal back when I was living in West Seattle and only a few people ever came to check on me and I am still a little bitter towards those that stopped returning my phone calls and texts when I was actively begging for help. Intellectually I let things go pretty quick, but emotionally I can remain bitter for a long time and I know that impacts my relationships. I was so bitter with my mother that I ended up sending an email to her and her boyfriend telling them that I had given up trying to maintain a relationship with them and to never contact me again, this after a decade of calling, texting, emailing, and only getting a response back once a year at best. They contacted me 6 months later to let me know she was dying and wanted me to drop everything to come to see her. I told them no. I explained my reasons and how I felt abandoned by her for my entire life and that I was not going to drop everything so she could feel better before she died. I was polite about it and told them I wished it hadn’t gotten to that point, but I was firm and did not open any further emails from them. I’m not sure if I am going to regret that decision or not.

Bright – I’m not genius level intelligence, but I’m smart. Every IQ test I was given came back in the 120 range. I pick up on concepts quickly and have always been good at figuring out ways to explain difficult concepts to people in a manner that is understandable. I’m good at spacial relations and applying concepts across differing platforms. I don’t have a ton of book learning, but I know a lot and came by it all ‘honestly’.

Ample – I am an ample person. I don’t remember a time where I either wasn’t fat or was being told by someone influential that I was fat. I was taught at an early age by my grandmother that you deal with bad feelings by eating food. No one in the family was overweight when I was a kid but my dad was physically and emotionally abusive and would tell me that I was fat starting in grade school. This just started a cycle of eating to deal with my emotions at an early age that has stayed with me my whole life. I’ve had some limited success in my life dealing with it, but it’s still not under any level of control. I know I have the tools to handle this I just need to figure out how to take all the emotional baggage out of that equation and just deal with this. I have read plenty of reviews about Ring Fit for the Switch and I picked up a copy. I am hoping to get started with that this week. I am also hoping that with the weather getting nicer that I can get myself out on my bike a few times a week.

Adept – I’ve learned a lot of things in my life. I am sometimes confused by the breadth of knowledge I have managed to acquire. I wouldn’t consider myself an expert in any one thing, but I know I am adept in many fields. I taught myself to build computers in the early 90’s and did it professionally for a while. I helped create what has turned into a global and multi location convention that has been visited by 100’s of millions of people over the decade+ it has been running. I have learned to be compassionate to others and deal with screamingly intense emergency situations. While I will complain about changes I feel that I am quick to adapt and am good at teaching others what I have learned.

I kvetch about many things in my life but don’t ever seem to be able to tackle those issues, specifically when they deal directly with myself. I can tell people all day long what they could be doing to improve their physical or mental health, their outlook on things, etc. but can’t seem to take that advice for myself.

I was just dropping off our rent deposit for work, and while standing in line at the bank I had a few ideas. The first was “I want to start writing again, but don’t know where or how to start”. This has been a thought that has come up a few times over the past month. I also thought “Why can’t I seem to focus on dealing with a single thing to completion?”, immediately followed by “Stop beating yourself up, your a good person and do good things”. All of that within about 3 minutes of standing and I came up with an idea.

I am going to spend the next 26 days writing something every day. Every day will focus on an incremental letter of the alphabet starting with A. I’ll think of two words that start with the letter of the day, one word to describe something I struggle with and one word to describe how I am a good person. I’m not going to limit myself to a minimum or maximum word count, nor will I limit myself to a particular part of me or my life. I think this will initially help give me some level of self accomplishment for getting something done that I set out to do. This should also help get my creative juices going. I also hope that this will prompt some self reflection and let me figure out what I need to focus on to be a better person.

Today will be ‘A’, and I’ll start working on that in a bit. Hopefully I can not only improve myself but also help motivate others. Here’s hoping 🙂

I’ve been sick for a few days (nothing alarming, just had a slight fever and cough and decided to take a few days off than risk anything) and that has given me plenty of time to get re-frustrated with my living situation. I have way too many boxes of stuff in way too small of an apartment.

I used to be in the habit that every time I moved I would toss out anything that I hand’t used in a year. When I was moving an average of twice a year for work (I do *not* miss contracting) this kept things well in check. Now that I have been with one company for 5 years now, I have built up a collection of random stuff. I keep thinking that I should do a hard purge but then I see something that makes me think “well, as soon as I get everything sussed out I will need this” and that thinking apparently needs to stop.

I have a few projects that I continue to chug along at and I will allow myself to hold onto things for streaming, bicycling, music, and cooking. Everything else is getting the boot. If I haven’t used it in a year it goes. If I didn’t even know I had it, it’s gone. I’m going to start that tonight. Once box a night minimum until I am done. Either everything has a home outside of a box or it’s getting tossed. If I have any high end stuff I will probably try to sell or give away some stuff so as not to be completely wasteful, but fuck… I need to do something and this should be the ‘easiest’ place to start.

Wish me luck!