I came to a realization today that just makes me really sad.
For almost 5 years I’ve been in a horrible funk and I can’t seem to snap out of it. It’s not all based off of one thing, but layers of stuff that continuously pile on top of me that just push me down. It started with my dad dying and progressed from there, moving on to the contract I was on ending and being unable to find another job for almost a year. There was a great moment where I got hired on to my dream job but that only lasted about a year before financial issues caused the company to start laying of people (and they are now out of business) and this was followed by more unemployment punctuated with 7 months of work I was massively over qualified for at two companies, then more unemployment. I live under someone elses roof with no job, enough money to prevent me from getting any state assistance but not enough to go to a doctor, own a car, see a dentist, or go to a therapist.
The realization I came to today is that over the past year it has finally taken it’s toll. Over the past year, every time I wake up, I feel either one of two things. I am either emotionally lower than I was the day before or I have become more numb so that I can waddle through another day of shit until I am used to the new low. Every day, only those two things. Sometimes the numb masks itself as hope or happiness but that just lasts until I go to sleep and wake up to my existence again. Wake up sad and a little more bitter than the day before. I hate that I look forward to numb days.
I’m in physical pain all the time now. My hip is shot and I am starting to develop some really painful stomach / GERD issues. I feel on the verge of tears pretty much all day long now. While I am not suicidal by any stretch of the imagination, I am starting to be ok with the idea of just dieing. Just laying down and not getting up has become an occasional wish.
I hate feeling like this. I fucking despise it. I know what my potential is and I know what I am capable of, but I am deep in a hole and I can’t see a way out. I need help. This isn’t a chemical imbalance. It’s a lack of human contact, a lack of schedule, a lack of purpose. I’m not asking for people to leave a message offering advice. I need people to actually step up and help me through this. Please.