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We had multiple shootings in downtown Seattle, three separate incidents over a 24 hour period. In one of those a long time tenant of mine was murdered. She was out with a friend and had nothing to do with the shooting, but she’s dead and her friend remains in serious condition in hospital.

I was not particularly close to this tenant and am not overly upset at her passing, much like I am not upset about Kobe Bryant’s passing. I didn’t know either of these people particularly well and don’t have an emotional connection to them. I am however very angry and don’t know how to direct that anger right now.

The level of gun violence has become insane since I was a kid in the ’70s. I am at the point that if my job did not require me to live on site, I would probably move. Living in Downtown Seattle has become miserable for me. After dealing with the murder on 3rd in front of my last building 3 years or so ago, I just don’t feel comfortable being downtown any more. Because of this I don’t leave my apartment unless I need to, and even then I will put off picking up meds by a day or two depending on how I am feeling.

I have no idea what to do about it any more. I have spent the weekend struggling with what old me would do. Old me would try to find the people that murdered her and beat them into a pulp then hand whats left to the police. Present day me is old, out of shape, and emotionally beat down so I crawled into a quarter ounce of weed this last weekend and allowed myself to process.

Sadly, I didn’t work much out. All I did was seem to cement that the world that exists outside my door is not the one I thought was there. The new world is more intrusive, seemingly more violent, more divisive, and certainly less of everything I used to love. I have found that I have almost no friends and I expect I did that myself. I catch myself feeling maudlin a lot of the time any more, wistful for what I used to think was a miserable existence but at times wish I could go back to so I could feel some level of innocence again.

Overall, I have felt mental health improvement over the past few years of being in this building, specifically over the past year, but I don’t feel anywhere as good mentally as I did 20 years ago. I need to figure out what to do to facilitate this. I have a sneaking suspicion that the coming year is going to be important on this front. Here’s hoping it’s positive.

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