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I was out sick for a few days (still feeling like crap, but at work today so the boss can stay home sick) and had a few hours in bed half asleep thinking. While I feel that the work I do is important, outside of work I feel like I have nothing. No social life, no love life, no actual hobbies, nothing. I need to add something to my life.

I think my biggest issue is motivation. I was raised to think that I am not a worthy human so I tend to not do things for me. Most of what I want to do tends to be in service to others as others are worth more than me. It get’s tiresome though.

Smoking weed daily is certainly a ‘purely for me’ thing and is how I keep from losing my collective shit over the stuff I deal with at work but it doesn’t do much for making me feel fulfilled as a person. I tend to feel maudlin a lot lately and think back wistfully on people I used to know and the time I spent with others just existing. It’s feeling like a not healthy place to be. It feels like how I expect dying to feel.

I need to figure out what it is going to take to re-invigorate me. Find something to give me purpose for me, instead of having a purpose for others. I don’t know how to do that though. Any suggestions or tips would be greatly appreciated.

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